All festivals canceled until volunteers take "extension cord coiling class"
Some damn festival
by Ryan Weiss
LITERALLY EVERYWHERE> In a shocking statement made today, volunteer coordinator to the universe, Danny Spain, has announced that festivals of every kind are hereby canceled until stage volunteers are instructed on how to coil extension cords properly. A source close to the organizer revealed that Danny has a multi-faceted "extension cord coiling class" in the works. Due to COVID-19, this class will be offered online for free, twenty four hours a day because, according to Spain, "I can't take this shitty cord coiling anymore." Although this seems like a drastic step, this instruction is greatly needed within the festival industry. Opening up an equipment case to see cords thrown in there willy nilly is akin to Clark Griswald attempting to untangle his Christmas lights. According to Spain, "No more will festival logistics suffer shitty cord coiling practices." At press time, we are still attempting to get our hands on a preliminary outline of the upcoming class.