RIP getting candy hearts from your crush Kelci who sits behind you


 by Ryan Weiss

PANDEMIC, PANSHLEMIC> Remember those nasty ass candy hearts you used to get from your crush? Sorry kids, that won't be happening anymore, it's pandemic season. You used to think, "wow, maybe she likes me...." but then you find out that Dustin, across the room, got the same box of candy from Kelci. What a pile of bullshit. She even personalized it and everything. Sorry to say, that was probably her mom making sure everyone felt special. Kelci never liked you. She was always into Dustin, kickball team captain. No more tears kids. Since the world is canceled, nobody is giving away anything paper related. So now, there's no more opportunities for your crush to make you feel like shit on Valentines Day. The worst thing that'll happen is that Kelci's mom won't send your mom a digital invite to her secret Facebook event for Kelci's secret backyard birthday party. Too bad, so sad, oh well. You're not allowed to get feel good candy cigarettes anymore anyway. 

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